He always hurts me

7-las-vegas-atomic-bomb75k-away“But constant experience shows us that every man invested with power is apt to abuse it, and to carry his authority as far as it will go.”
Charles de Secondat

Why do intelligent men and women abuse each other or allow themselves to be abused?  It’s because they’re trained to accept abuse as children.  My past life regression research  shows patterns of abuse can go back lifetimes.  Statistically speaking, university educated abuse victims don’t go back to abusive spouses.  Whereas, people without university education tend to return to abusive spouses.

Abusers treat you the way their parents treated them.  Abuse is multi-generational and can go back many generations. Most abusers suffer from extremely low self esteem because they were victims of a parent or guardian’s wrath.  Sexual assault is all about power.  As children, abusers felt powerless and fearful that even one word out of their mouth might provoke anger or punishment from a parent.  As adults, they are unconsciously projecting their suffering onto their spouses and children.  Why?  They view their immediate family as an extension of themselves and live in constant fear that they’ll look stupid in front of people, lose their reputation, their job, and all their possessions, because of something their spouse or children say or do.  They have a warped view of the world and take things the wrong way.  They’re easily triggered by just about anything.  Abusers live in a pressure cooker of constant fear and misery.  They desperately and angrily seek to control their lives by controlling their spouses and children but almost nothing is good enough for them!

How do you get out-from-under abuse?  It’s difficult to set yourself free from abuse when you’ve been raised as an obedient servant or an emotional or physical punching-bag for your parents.  If your parents felt unworthy, you’ll feel unworthy.  When someone keeps pummeling you with unkind messages, or punches, they destroy your self-confidence until you can’t see yourself as an attractive, vibrant or whole person.  Each attack leaves you emotionally or physically scarred until you’re become a silent shadow of yourself.

One night, while walking the streets of Toronto, it occurred to me that each house was represented a different reality.  Some houses were beautiful with gorgeous landscaped gardens.  Other houses looked bleak.  When I walked past a beautiful house, the door opened and someone stepped out.  When I crossed their path, they smiled and wished me a good evening.  Walking past a fenced house in disrepair, I noticed litter strewn about and could hear a man yelling angrily at his wife or kids.

In that moment, I realized that nothing was real.  People who thought life was beautiful had created a a beautiful reality, with a lovely house and garden to match.  The people who thought life was filled with hardships, pain and punishment had created an ugly reality, with an ugly house and yard to match.

My ex-husband thought reality was scary and feared that everything would go wrong at any moment.  He had no faith in life, in God, or me so he created a scary marriage that was in a constant state of deterioration.  But that wasn’t reality.  It was only his reality.  Reality is your perception of the world.  It’s what you make of it.

OrangesWayne Dyer said, “If you squeeze an orange, you get orange juice because that’s what’s inside the orange.”

If you squeeze an abuser, you’ll get things like rage, fear, and low self-esteem.  I believe strongly, if you keep squeezing, love will eventually pour out.  Abusers are abuse victims themselves.  The victims learn not to cry for fear they’ll receive more punishment. In self-defense, they push their emotions deep into their subconscious mind until they’re completely numb. They would have to cry a river of tears to release the suffering they’ve experienced as children, and as abused adults, but that’s actually aids in the cure.  You’ve got to feel to heal.

There’s a happy ending to the story of abuse.  Life is for learning, rising above adversity, growing in consciousness, and then teaching others to rise and shine.  Once you recognize you’re in an abusive situation, only then can you begin to do something about it. Walk away from those who are cruel, insulting, and irrationally angry.  If they’re ALWAYS angry, making unreasonable demands, and make you feel that you can never live up to their expectations, trust me when I tell you, they have the problem, not you!  If they’re ALWAYS moody, that’s their issue, not yours.  GET HELP.  Talk to a psychiatrist, the church, a counselor.  Call the police.  Begin to get back to being who you really are.  If you live in fear, that’s a sign of abuse.  Everyone deserves safety, peace, and love.  Beneath your scars you’ll find a wonderful soul with a big heart.  Once you figure out how to love yourself, you’ll find your life will shift, you won’t tolerate abuse, and your life will start to become filled with peace, calm, and happier times.  If you don’t feel self-love, fake it until you make it. Make yourself a priority and treat yourself like you’d treat your best friend.

The Black Dot:  An abuse victim can put a black dot on their palm to signal they’re in trouble.  If you see that, call the police to aid them. Spread the word.

Wishing you the freedom to be yourself and the inevitable happiness that comes once you’ve escaped abuse and healed.

Elizabeth Rose


  1. Barb Stillman says:

    Elizabeth thank you for this very enlightening post. I trust that this message will be able to reach someone who did not understand what was wrong in their life. They believed they had no value because that was what they had been told for so long. With knowledge and love comes growth and as you stated each and every person has a beautiful loving soul waiting to shine and bring new life. God Bless your work Elizabeth to help bring all people to full healing. Nothing is Impossible with Our God, who is God to each and every person no matter what we think about ourselves.